House of Secrets

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Thu, 01 Jan 2009 00:22:00 GMT

i guess im spending it at home again thanks to an unreliable person. I mean sure we planned it for weeks but thanks for texting me "I'm at lisa's house, honestly there's gonna by like 60 ppl coming". do you know how sad it is that I called my mom telling her I was on the bus to your house? What the fuck?

fuck it i'm getting drunk tonight.

11:11

Sun, 30 Nov 2008 04:40:27 GMT

II was waiting for my mum to go to bed so I could watch porn and pleasure myself but the stupid bitch isn't going to bed yet...and I just remembered she's not going to bed anytime soon because she's still going to join a stupid fucking chatroom with all her friends from high school. FUCK! I wish I got that mother fucking lap top last Christmas! Fuck my fucking life! FUCK!

Anyway I get to see Amanda Palmer tomorrow night. So excited. I am loaded with money therefore I am going to buy the Dresden Dolls companion, a shirt, possibly the umbrella and maybe the steel canteen. Maybe, I don't know just yet.

I was in New York from Tuesday to this morning and I gotta say it was hella awesome minus travelling via trains (their subway system sucks monkey shit) and having to be with my aunt. She's a real bitch. She got mad at me because the MetroCard was maxed out and I had to go get a new one, I unknowingly lined up at the booth only to be redirected to a machine. That whole fucking time I waited I could've gone to a machine? Anyway we missed the F train and it was all my fault because the MetroCard was maxed out......and I'm supposed to know this because I have psychic powers and it's a known fact that you buy a new MetroCard at a machine, not from the booth where there are people who can help you. Despite the fact that I've only been to NYC 4 times. Fucking cunt.

When we got to her apartment (this was Black Friday so you can imagine the traffic) I asked to borrow the phone to call Maxine (she has unlimited long distance) and while I was on the phone in mid conversation my mother says - she does this all the fucking time - "Sean, you have to finish your homework." To which I replied "Mom, I'm on the phone and I'm already finished, I told you that." I wasn't yelling at her, I was just informing her but my stupid cunt aunt took offence and intervened, "SEAN!!! STOP IT!!! DONT YELL AT YOUR MOM! SHE'S YOUR MOTHER! RESPECT YOU ELDERS!!!"

Excuse you, heifer, I know you didn't just go there.

I don't understand why she would even go there in the first place, she goes apeshit on my ass for getting into a small argument with my mum yet she allows her own daughter - her own flesh and blood - to slap her across the face infront of company. Yeahhhh.....I don't quite understand how that evens out. She has absolutely not right in telling me not to talk back to my mother when she allows such ruthless behaviour from her son and daughter. Fucking bitch. Like I said, she's a bitch. A big fat bitch. A bitch who tells me that I should go to school and study business because a musician will never make money and will live on the streets to rot. I'd really like to see the look on that bitch's face when I become a successful musician. Fucking bitch.

On brighter news I got great deals from Urban Outfitters in America. I got a jacket for $128 (there was absolutely no tax on anything), cardigan for $38, Oxford shoes for $68 and skinny jeans for $58. It was a little bit over 200 dollars but if I were to buy the exact same stuff in Canada I'd reach to around 350-400 dollars tops PLUS tax which would be like 445 dollars or more because we have GST (7%), PST (8%) and the store tax. And from Century 21 I got these old school Nike Pumps. They go great with my red jeans. :]

Now I just need a job to pay off my mother's debts and I think I'll be good.

Left over wishes for Christmas: record player, HMV/UO/bookstore gift cards, new iPod*, Mac and a job - so that I can donate to the Cancer Society. Other charities, too of course, but mainly the Cancer Society for far too many reasons I'm not going to name.

I haven't been high for 5 days now. Amazing. See, weed isn't a drug. If it were I'd have gone through some really fucked up withdrawal. Which didn't happen. It was like quitting cigarettes (for me quitting cigarettes is easy, I don't get cranky).

*iPods for me don't tend to last very long. The most is like 6-7 months. I prefer using headphones over earphones because earphones make me feel deaf (and I am going a tad bit deaf in my left ear). So I bought these headphones that were compatible with iPods (or so the box said) and when I plugged them in I noticed the jacks were slightly larger than the iPod jack but I didn't take it seriously because the box said the jack was 13.5mm which is the appropriate jack size for an iPod. When Emmanuel complained that the music started coming out only in the left ear I knew I was fucked. Either because he has an old iPod - the iPod mini - or because the headphones (we both have headphones made by the same company, same style and everything just different colours) was fucking up the iPod. Then on my way home on Tuesday afternoon the music shifted to the left side. So I guess my best bet is to buy the headphones from the Mac store. But they're like 200+ dollars for a pair....seriously. So uh.....hmm. I just don't really enjoy earphones much because they're placed directly in my ear which speeds up the deafening process. Whereas headphones release most of the noise (although this means you'd have to turn up the volume thus wasting the battery) and it sounds like you're in the studio. Although because the air pressure is different you can still fuck up your ears.

Maybe I'll get an iPod touch, you can go on the internet on those. And not just YouTube internet, Google internet, Facebook, MySpace, the likes....Sean Cody.

and it doesn't feel like a Saturday at all. I completely forgot about SNL. They're not that funny anymore but they're way better than MadTv.

So I have this really massive crush on this freshman at my school. Good god he's beautiful. I know I'm a senior and it's his first year in high school but he's so adorable. Geez, I need to meet more people like this. There's too many self-centered, size obsessive, belittling, demeaning gay men out there. Maybe I'm just not looking hard enough. Maybe I'm just spending too much time reading people's blogs that are filled with sappy love stories and me imagining myself in their position and then completely cutting myself from reality only to enjoy a moment that doesn't co-exist with my life. But it's ok, it's something to occupy my mind when things are going bad.

I swear to god, if America votes for another retarded politician I'm just gonna jump out of 12 storey window. My American family voted for McCain. AHHHHH!!!!! WHY!? Now I'd freak out more if they voted for Palin, but good god, at least make REAL descisions.

I'm so hungry but I'm so tired. I'm going to sleep now.

The next time I go to New York I must go with someone that isn't family and I will not I repeat I will NOT visit any family there - at all. And if we happen to bump into each other it will be a simple hello and goodbye and a sorry-but-my-friend-and-I-are-in-a-hurry-and-we-really-have-to-go-now-so-it-was-nice-seeing-you-I'll-tell-my-mom-you-said-hi! ,,,, NOT

Hush Little Baby

Sat, 25 Oct 2008 18:54:28 GMT

I went to Screemers last night with Amanda and Angela. It was bomb. It's basically 6 haunted houses in this massive warehouse at the Exhibition Place and there's rides that're outside.

First we stopped at The Asylum which was probably the longest one out there. We went through what was designed to be an abandoned mental hospital being chased by a bunch of hired kids wearing make-up. The rooms with hanging decapitated heads and body parts hanging from the ceiling were claustraphobic and whacked out. The rooms with flashing lights pissed me off because I could barely see where the fuck I was going. The boxes that exploded only to blow air into my face. After 2 goddamn frightening minutes we finally left only to discover we had to walk through an effing MIRROR maze while some guy dressed up like a severed body chased us around.

We went outside to see if there was anything interesting besides rides that looked like they were going to break. We found The Maniac Maze which was....a maze....built with steel fences. Same thing, people dressed up chasing us. Except there was a guy with a real chainsaw minus the chains on the saw. You could smell the gas coming from it, too. That fucked me over and actually scared me.

The Castle of Doom was aight. It was short, same shit. You notice that all of houses are the exact same and then there's no fun to it anymore. Except your friends digging their nails into your arms and screaming bloody murder that makes it worthwhile. But some of the monsters were actually cute. I be like "Dzayum, boi, you got meat!"

There was a 3-d one. You wore 3-d glasses and all the illuminated paintings on the wall would look like they were grabbing you. There were hands, those Hallowe'en (Jason Hoovrie, Hoover?) masks. It was fixed like a carnival, hence its name, Carnival of Bad Dreams. There was one room where there were hanging corpses dressed in clown suits. All were bleeding and walking into them was not fun at all especially with the crazy guy with the knife. Hmmm. But like I said, some of them were hot.

The last one we went into was The Black Hole and that was the fifth installation. There were 6 houses, but we could only get into 5 because The Haunted House was packed like a mother clucker and Angela's parents wanted her home early. So. The Black Hole was basically pitched black. All I could feel were Angela and Amanda's hands clutching my arms, bodies hitting me and the walls that I was being pushed into. My only light was a tiny red light. When I finally reached it I was pushed into a room where wet things were touching me; it felt like tongues licking me face.

Would I go back? Hell yeah!

I'm watching Taboo on The National Geographic channel. The subject for today is body modification/pain. In the streets of downtown Toronto there are some tattoo parlors that offer branding and scarification. Branding is when you take stainless steel, heat it up to 1000 degrees with a blow torch and brand yourself with it. Much like how farmers brand their farm animals. Or several hundred years ago, the White Man branding their slaves. Scarification is when they take a scalpel and cut designs into you.

Anyway...............................They were showing Toronto as a cold place reaching temperatures far below freezing point but this one girl, Joyce, would be getting a brand where she would be touched with temperatures as hot as 1000 degrees! FUCK! Toronto and all of Canada isn't always cold. NO. We just get really shitty weather. Our springs are like summers and summers are fucking heatwaves. Then winter comes along and kicks our asses with temperatures as low as -50 celcius. Which is about (if -30C is 0F, then -50C should be -20F) -15 to -20 fahrenheit. But that's up up north. Or places like Barrie, Ontario which isn't very far from Toronto. Barrie is about an hour or two from where I live. Toronto is like down south and very close to the border, not like Niagra Falls-close, but somewhat. Toronto is only an hour away from Niagra. So......

And that is my blog. Leave your love if you read this. I'm watching.

Ps. Did you know that in Samoa, a tiny island halfway between New Zealand and Hawaii in the South Pacific Ocean, parents choose their children's sex? I was watching it on The National Geographic channel. It's strange. They're men, made by their elders to dress and act with feminine characteristics, they have sex with straight men but not gay men because that's considered a taboo. Hmmm.

Crucifixions and Incestual Desires

Sat, 18 Oct 2008 21:08:47 GMT

I have not written in a very long time. I should change the colour, this is far too frequent. *Click* There. So I'm gonna be Donnie Darko for Hallowe'en.

I'm really obsessed with Brand New right now. I fucking love their music, especially Jesse Lacey. He has such a beautiful voice. I masturbate to it. It's like the most romantic thing one could ever listen to. I'm listening to him sing right now. Ok I Believe You, But My Tommy Gun Don't. And he's so beautiful. Period.

Please oh god, tell me how sexy that is. I like 'em pale white and fragile. Just like Jesus!

I be getting high on a daily basis, not going to class, boy do I feel like a rebel. Not really, but I hate school. Hopefully I won't have to go to college after this. Hopefully I can just ride in my car and ride around everywhere and live around with my new homebodies. I'll be a hippy for the rest of my days. It should be fun. Then I can write a book about my so-called life and it'll sell millions and will be American's number one book ever written by a Canadian man. And on my death bed I'll sign the last copy of my book because the machines will have given out by that time and my books will be so fucking rare that people would go great lengths to purchase one, let alone see one.

The cutest boy in school accepted my friend add on facebook. Heeheehee. But he's gay. Like closet case gay. You just have to be there. Like if you've ever seen Billy from SeanCody.com you'd think he had a very masculine voice but he sounds really homosexual. And so does this really cute boy. Naw b, I want a MAN! RAWR!

I have not written any songs lately. I really do need to update my older songs. They're not that old, but somewhere around there. The oldest I'd say is from like 2000? Yeah, I was fucking 10-years-old. Maybe even younger, in like the 90s. Bum fucking yeah. I am however contemplating writing a new song. About being inside a coffin and the idea that no one is really that sad when someone dies. Like there's some sort of relief. It's depressing, I know, but those really touchy topics no one likes to talk about is fun to play around with. No fun per se, but great to expand on. Ones who write about these things are truly aspiring people. They expand on people's deepest fears, concerns, secrets and allow people to venture within their own comfort zones. Allow people to really think.

I have a cell phone now. Y'all should text it.

Wanna hear a funny story? Of course you do. So I was on MSN and I saw someone's cell number displayed in their little message window. So I decided to text it some references to Amanda Palmer songs. Then the person replied dazed and confused about it all. I replied "I would be really excited if I was getting anonymous text messages with Amanda Palmer references." And the person replied "I don't know who Amanda Palmer is." So the whole convorsation eventually steered into who the other person was. Then I found out I was texting Braeden. My fucking ex. GAHHHHHH!!!!! Well he wasn't a real boyfriend, but still. FUCK. He was an occasional fuck buddy.

I tried getting drunk on Thanksgiving, or at least drinking alcohol and I couldn't take it. I'll stick with the magickal unicorn plants.

I have salvia.

I need to invest in a vaporizor.

I'm buying a fake i.d. this week. I really need one so when I go see Amanda and they i.d. I'll be able to get in. Hehehehe. And am going to see Matt and Kim with Elsa on the 8th. I is excited like hell. Kim told me that if her and Matt were to ever break up she'll find me and replace him. Hahahahaha. That's funny. Not really, but close enough.

My ear phones are slowly giving up on me. I need headphones from UO. They sell theirs cheaper than at the Apple store. Apple sells their headphones for 100+ while UO sells theirs for 60 dollars and up. Which is pretty good. But they sell the vintage-y looking types. But I wouldn't give two shits, I just want headphones, but good quality, you know.

Angela got a new iPod. Those sick ones that are like a cross between iPod nano and iPod touch.

Tear Down All the Churches

Tue, 30 Sep 2008 01:06:21 GMT

I am so incredibly glad that everything is ok. Maybe not with me but with my friends from all over the world. Me, I've been getting high practically everday since two weeks ago, Monday. I've only been going to all my classes regulary since last weeks Tuesday. I've been a wreck this first month. But everything else has been beautiful. Fabi is fine fine fine (and yes, he is real fuckin fine). Chris is....I dunno...in Windsor? Or back at Wayne State University? The other Chris is still in Flo Rida and seems to be really cheery. Edgar is busy being a film student, Mel has a new boyfriend and is happy as a button, Charles is just beautiful. Talking to him on the phone is really fun and cute because he sings to me. :) I'm forgetting other people and I'm sorry.

I got a cell phone last Thursday. I'm still getting used to texting. But luckily I have unlimited global texting. So hit me up wit cho numbers! can I have yo numba? Can I have it?

Other than that....Nothing much.

I've written a few more songs. I like them a lot.

I honestly have no idea why I started writing this, but because I was high like mad and I still am...Soooo.

Maxine and I are sort of talking. I called Carla and then Maxine was like "I got weed for me and sean!" and I kept hearing "Hey gurl hey! How is you?" That was from Maxine. I miss her so much. But her immature ways kept us apart.

I think I may go now and smoke up some more. God I love it. I love my bong. I'm going back to the Friendly Stranger to buy my cousin a pipe and hopefully I'll see Mr. Cutie there. Hehehehe.

Oh and there's this really cute guy in my school. A new guy. Oh so lucious. And Daniel talked to me in photography! Weeeeeee

Some Left Overs

Sun, 31 Aug 2008 03:10:19 GMT

I was looking through my song book and such and wondering what songs I haven't played in a REALLY long time. So I'm resurrecting a bunch. Some include things from the tenth grade. One is "Angel of A, the Hors has Fallen" but I'm going to change up some lyrics to make them more up to date.

The day before going to the Ex with Ang and Emmanuel I tried calling Angela at her house, but her mom answered and told me she was at a concert. So I asked her for the number and I thought that was going to be it but no. She actually talked to me. See Angela's sister won tickets to see Kid Rock in concert and she brough along Angela. So talking to her mom was really fun, It was like talking to a friend you haven't talked to in the longest time. It was a very warm feeling and I enjoyed talking to her. I really did, but then there were points in the convorsation where she wouldn't stop talking and I was like, Wow, Angela, I am so sorry.

I have studio versions of Baobabs and Uh-Merica by Regina Spektor. Gotta say UHMazing!

I wrote a bunch of new songs over the summer. Fences, The Vaccaro Song, 1984, Black Shoes, Geistfickter, U, Drop and my latest, Pj Blues. I'm missing other stuff, but I just can't remember em.

Angela and I may go see Margaret Cho. I still have to call up the theatre and ask. Also gotta know if Emmanuel is coming but he's always "Oh I'll see if I can go." Uhmm, sweety tickets aren't being sold seperately because then we'd all be sitting in different places. It's a theatre.

Seriously all I can taste is brown, holy shit. It's never lasted this long before.

I only started this blog because I forgot to write about some other stuff that I forgot to mention in my previous blog but now I can't even remember the main things I was going to write. Whatever.

My cousin asked me to live with her in the Philippines which is nice and all but the weather there isn't that nice. It's scortching hot, it's very near the Equator which means really fucked up weather.

I broke my retainer, my bottom one and it really sucks. So when I get my retainer I bet my teeth will just ache for 2 days. It'll be a week before I get my new retainers on. Damn.

Ok, this may be the end of this one unless I start mentioning other shit AFTER i post.

I'm teaching myself sign language. It's fun and easy. Especially since I can easily memorize things if I really want to, or if it interests me.

My bike got a flat tire about 3 weeks ago and my dad promised to come over to fix it. He finally did like 3 nights ago. I've been getting my excercise. It feels good. Which also means I'll be riding my bike over to school before winter starts.

So I've been networking. Whoring myself around through cyberspace. Amanda Palmer watches my videos, her assistant, Beth watches them and so does the bald guy who toured around with Amanda. Matt and Kim found my cover and slapped it on their website. I told Slowmo Erotic about my cover, and now it's on their myspace. They're a local band from LA. http://www,myspace.com/slowmoerotic. I made a new youtube account specifically for my originals so my cover channel won't be all cluttered. Also made a myspace musician page.

Ok, my eyes are burning, must leave.

Cha Birdie

Sun, 31 Aug 2008 02:36:28 GMT

When I came home from my bike ride I changed out off my sweaty clothes and as I did all I heard was "Let me see your cha birdie" and I thought to myself "What the fuck is a cha birdie" that's when I heard it again "Let me see your cha birdie, I want to see if it's big yet" that's when I realized that She was talking about a penis. Her son's penis. Not sure of his age, but he's well below 10. So I eavedropped hoping to hear something funny, instead I got

Let me see your cha birdie......I want to see if it's big yet........why won't you let me see it?.......you're acting as if you're a big boy now........come on let me see it..........I'll still kiss it even when you're older......

I can take a lot of shit, but that was just something else. What mother says that? What mother says that to a child? Let alone her own offspring? goodness Christ. That is one of the many reasons I do not converse with her, acknowledge her existence within my prescence, look at her or want to do anything with her. Because that filth eminates from her disgusting mouth.

Anyway places to visit: Boston, Florida, California, Hawaii and the UK.

I met Amanda Palmer and she recognized me from my video making. I is happy like a hooker. That is the same woman that has nearly seen, or has probably seen, Brian's penis. That has shared a bed with Max Melton, that has met Chris, who's last name I forget.

For some reason I can taste brown. It's been in my mouth for quite some time now. It's got a hint of grey in there though. Geez, haven't tasted brown in the longest time!

So according to my friend, Jason, The Dresden Dolls may be splitting up for good. This is very very bad and I do not want that to happen. But everyone's so in love with Amanda and Brian is always left out of the picture. What the fuck? Always has to be about the lead singer, eh?

I met Matt and Kim. That was cool, then the following Saturday or Sunday, I don't remember now, someone messaged me on the tube telling me that my cover of their song Its a Fact made it up on their website. Now let me tell you, they barely take shit off of their site, except for pictures. Go see for yoself: http://www.mattandkimmusic.com

I'm gonna go do something else now.

I found my Catcher in the Rye book finally! After a month of looking, I finally fucking found it. YES!

Jillian Jiggs

Sun, 17 Aug 2008 02:26:36 GMT

The author of The Balloon Tree, Jillian Jiggs and Something From Nothing died in 2002 at the age of 62 from leukemia. I didn't know that, honestly. I am so devestated. My favourite children's author died! I thought she was really old and retired, didn't write anymore, but owned a really nifty bookstore somewhere in her hometown. That's when I wikipedia'd her and landed myself on her official website. She grew up in the Bronx, then moved to Canada and taught at OCAD for 15 years. Wow. Just wow.

Get a balloon and let it go.
Read. Read. READ!
Write. Write. WRITE! (To do anything well takes practice.)
Don't give up. Keep on trying.
Don't be afraid of criticism. Learn from it.

My Balls Are So Itchy!

Thu, 07 Aug 2008 08:33:18 GMT

Short entry. Hello. I saw Matt and Kim last last night. T'was awesome and I met them! YAY! Then about an hour ago I watched some very disturbing videos and I'm not really shaken from it anymore. Wow, I got over it in like 45 minutes. Damn what's wrong with me? Anyway I have a lot of things going on and it's so awesome. I wrote a bunch of brand new songs so if you're a fan keep your eyes freaking peeled for videos coming up on my spanking brand new youtube account: thomaskua. go check it out. http://ca.youtube.com/thomaskua and I so did not copy and paste. Uhm, I would totally write down everything I did today but ti's 4:30 am and I really need to sleep.

These Are My Days So Far....

Sun, 27 Jul 2008 17:22:45 GMT

So I haven't posted in a long time, that's coool. I finished my exam on Friday. I don't have to come in on Monday because in total I've had one abscence (when I skipped school on Wednesday to masturbate) and one late. I live pretty fucking far from that school too by the way. I have to take 3 busses to get there, never late except for one time. Yes I am always late for day school (where I only live 2 blocks away from). There's 2 cute guys in that class. Charlie and Paul. Although I'd tap Charlie first before tapping Paul. Charlie smiled at me once. Paul just stares at me. It's a little bit creepy. Just a bit because he's freakishly tall and cute. Hehehe. Anyway I'm going in on Tuesday to pick up my report card. I'm pretty sure I passed because I was passing a 74 percent. According to my mother that's a low mark. She grew up in the the olde days when your mark was to be at least 85 to pass a course. Even an 85 was low. Hmm.

I was pulled over by a cop a few weeks ago for bike riding on the sidewalk....on an EMPTY sidewalk.He said I was to bike on the road because the sidewalks for pedestrians. Which I totally understand but to hold up traffic with pedalling is stupid, annoying (especially for drivers with road rage) and downright embarassing. Although not many cyclists realize this which is sad.

I spent the night alone in my house and I got a bit scared because I'm afraid of the dark so I had to literally have all the lights on in the house, and I still didn't feel very safe. I felt like someone was watching me, which sucks because I smudged my house 2 or 3 nights ago, I don't remember. Smudging is when you burn a sacred herb (either Sage, Sweet Grass or Pine) to cleanse your house. So I smudged my whole house and the morning after I woke up to the smell of marijuana....so burning sage basically smells like mary jane. Also the sage I have is also known as salvia. That drug that's legal and gets you super duper high. Which reminds me I think my stoner days are over. I was never a stoner actually, no, I just smoked pot at least 2 or 3 times a week with Angela and Emmanuel. But not anymore, last time was a month and a half ago with my cousin. Although I gotta admit masturbating is really fun when you're high. Except I'm not so sure about sex because smells can be intense.

I downloaded Amanda's solo album, Who Killed Amanda Palmer, it's awesome. I like it. I don't feel bad like I did for No, Virginia... because when I asked Amanda about it she said she was cool about it, it's the internet it was bound to happen. Then she proceeded to get us to buy the physical copy because then she'd be poor. Which is very true.

So I was going to post that story I made when I was 12 or 13 which was basically my Carrie fascination days where I wrote a continuation of the Carrie series. Ok, it wasn't necessarily a series because there was Carrie with Spacek, then Carrie 2 that came out like 20 years later. I'll post that up soon one day I swear.

I woke up today excited to cook my salmon when I find out that there's no fucking tin foil in the house. How the fuck am I supposed to cook my salmon now!? So I'm going out after I write this blog to go buy some foil. Well I'll be washin my face first then getting dressed, pull out my bike and bike on my way there to the grocery store. Then maybe I'll buy a new pumice stone and hopefully if I find it that Dove Refreshing Body Wash. I want to try it.

I've been excerising for almost a month now, I'd bike at least everyday, lately not so much. But today I definately am going to. I notice that I lost a lot of weight, at least 10 pounds in one month, most of which is water, and at least 4 pounds is fat. Did you know for every pound you lose you lose 4 pounds of pressure off of your knees? Yeah, I read that somewhere on someone's myspace bulletin. My face isn't oily anymore which is awesome.

Urban Outfitters didn't hire me because I'm not 18 so that sucks bitches and balls. Whatever I went shopping there anyway with Caroline where I bought 2 ten dollar items. A siq graphic-tee and tie dyed shorts.

I think I might clean today before the Devil comes home. I renamed the "cousin" to the Devil because she's not even related to anyone in my family by blood so how can she be my cousin? We have a love/hate relationship. Well I can't necessarily say I love her but somedays she's ok to deal with then she'll get on my nerves again. She just thinks we're friends all the time. Anyway back to cleaning. The bad part of staying home by myself without my mother is that I gotta clean my house and do my own laundry. I know people who are reading this and thinking "YOU SPOILED FUCK!" But I have friends who've confessed to having their parents do their laundry and make them their lunches. So I don't feel that bad.

I'm going deaf in my left ear. I can hear a major difference. The right ear can hear sound in a more hollow crispier way. The left....not so much.

I'm skipping the Amanda Palmer concert to go to Montréal because I need some serious vacation time, even if it's only for 3 days. I need out of Toronto.

My Best Friend, a.k.a. my cousin Angela was over my house on Thursday and she was supposed to stay til Sunday but her cunt employer called and asked her to come in to babysit her 4-year-old daughter. See she told Angela that it was for sure she wouldn't have to babysit, so she'd be free on the weekend. She also said that last week but guess who called? Then on Friday guess who called? She ruined my fucking weekend, that white devil. Anyway we were supposed to go to Centre Island on Saturday before she left but the weather channel said it was going to be raining all day so we cancelled. I wake up on Saturday and it's sunny up until around 1pm where it rains for 45 minutes then the rest of the day is sunny as hell. FUCK YOU WEATHER FUCKERS!

Angela (not my cousin) has been working for the summer so the last time I ever talked to her was.....a long time ago. She doesn't post in her journal so I'm assuming she's really busy. I dunno, it's been about a month and a half since we last talked in person? I saw her in the first week of July when I went to the mall with Emmanuel. Well we actually saw each other at the station and we just ended up going together.

I think I may leave the house at around 1:07 pm. I'll be finished this entry by around 12:50 perhaps?

My moms in L.A. for 2 weeks hanging out with her dentist friend who she last saw in college....that's a realllllly long time. Anyway I hope she finds what I'm looking for, it's a solar powered charger. It charges all kinds of things like mp3 players, iPods, cellphones. Ok it only charged those 3 things but whatever solar powered!? SHIT! I WANT ONE!

I wrote a brand new song a week ago, it's called Fences. It's about young parents. I got the idea when I was on the bus coming home from school. I saw these fences that were being put up and some were already paint and some weren't then I thought of Tom Sawyer painting those fences. Then when I was on my 3rd bus, the Victoria Park bus going home I saw this really gross couple. There was an overweight woman and her boyfriend was this scrawny white kid. So I got the idea of a little girl getting pregnant by her redneck loser boyfriend. So the song revolves around Mary from Mary Had a Little Lamb and her lambs. But then her having to forget about her lambs because she got pregnant, that little whore! Anyway I'll type the lyrics out because it's really hard to explain. But before I do that I wrote 2 new songs last night. I'm not sure if I like the first one I wrote which is about Hitler's suicide but can also be confused with Frankenstein. But the second one is a keeper, it's called Vaccaro, named after my friend Tom (it's his last name). It's basically a song about how I've been spending my days so far...hence my journal title.

Fences

The white boys are calling your name, 'Mary let go of your sheep!'
You give your staff to your father, your mother says 'No, go to school.'
You betrayed them yet again.

There's no one to stop you, go right ahead.

The sheep are putting on weight, just like you.
Tommy's painting those fences, just for you.
He's scraping by the dozen and you're riding by so very few.

You're not helping, how will it survive now?

Tommy sits in a lazy-boy with a needle sticking out of his arm.
He watches the world die around him and you're decaying too.
Just in time he kicks the habit and you're one week overdue.

We see the head, the head, the head, it doesn't look so good.

Now you're one happy family.
The sheep are all dead there's no need for counting, cuz sleeping's just a knock on the head.
Now it's you that sits in a lazy-boy, while baby plays with your toes.
And Tommy's still painting those fences, just for you.....

That's the song. I like it. The Vaccaro Song...oh that's nice, maybe I'll call it that. I dunno. I mention the Nazi in it, you know Jesse from the board. I hate him now. He acts so innocent then points his dirty finger at people, I hope he falls and breaks all his fingers.

The Vaccaro Song

The fan is still on I'm wasting electricity.
My mom'll be pissed cuz the bill ain't easy...to pay.
It's not like the olde days where everything cost me only 2 cents.

These are my days so far....

I've been spending my days on the Shadow Box lately and I think I'm in love.
With Luke, Edgar and a whole bunch of people including Spencer (Lemans)
Amanda herself answered one of my questions.
Oh my god! I think we're dating.

These are my days so far, I'm thinking.

The Nazi feels like a victime, yes he feels like a victim and I'd laugh in his face if I ever met him.
This song's for Thomas Vaccaro cuz I have no title.
Thank the lord he's an artist, he knows how I feel.

These are my days so far, I'm thinking. I'm sinking.

I might be seeing Jay Brannanwith my friend Robbie Sinclair at a venue called El Mocambo.
It's 19 plus so we'll try to get in.
Although the next day in Montréal it's an all ages show.

These are my days so far, I'm thinking, I'm sinking.

I built my own tornado in my own backyard and it's pretty sick cuz it's 5 feet tall.
I'm 5 foot 11, pretty tall for an Asian but my parents are both very small.
I don't care about size cuz I'm not a size queen but if you're over 9 inches, likely it won't work out.

These are my days so far, I'm thinking, I'm sinking.

No one knows for sure where this song is going.....

Pretty long, I know. But it's only like 3.5 minutes long. Now the verse about seeing Jay Brannan may change in the future. Depends on what happens on that day. Robbie's dance teacher has connections there so we'll see if we get in. If we do get in the lyrics will change to past tense.

I transcribed Oasis by Palmer. I love this song and Leeds United!

I found the tin foil! Score! Ok, so I'll just go the store to buy my pumice stone and whatever else I can find.

Also I was at Kensington Market and I found this bike store where they sell unicyles and they only cost 150 dollars which is cheap because since bikes cost around 300+ I was thinking that a unicycle would cost more just because. Then the cute salesguy gave me his number. I was with Caroline and she brought me to this Vegetarian joint. I think I can be vegetarian. I really do.

I stretched my ears to 12 gauge. I also want septume pierced.

So I'm re-reading Perks again because it's AWESOME! Then I'll read it again starting August 25 because that's the date the novel starts on. It's written in the form of letters so I'll read it like that. It'll take me about a year to read. Unless I get bored. Which is most likely I won't. I'm also still reading Interview With the Vampire and The Catcher in the Rye. Along with that I need to read A Wolf at the Table by Augusten Burroughs and his book, Sellevision. I'm also reading this big huge book, that's taken me at least a month because I'm lazy, A Million Little Pieces by James Frey. I don't care if it's fake, it's awesome and beautiful.

I finished my one arm warmer and I still need to finish the second one and it's taking me forever because I've stopped. My mother was right, I never finish anything I start. Whatever I'll finish it. Why do you think I start them way before the winter seasons? Because I procrastinate.

Le sigh. I'm bored now. And I'm hungry. This may have been my longest entry yet.

Ever Since I

Tue, 24 Jun 2008 00:36:41 GMT

stopped drinking tea I gained a lot of weight. I need to start drinking again....FAST!

I bought a Holga, it's amazing, I'm getting the pics tomorrow. HEEEEE!!! I CANT WAIT!

Wrote a new song, it's called 1984, and it has nothing to do with the book by Orson Wells. It's just a super cute song. Well it sounds like this super cute faerytale song, but it's not. It's sad if you read the lyrics. I'm in the midst of writing a new song. I have a fuckload of ideas piled up in my head. It's amazing!

Summer school starts in a week, after 4 weeks is up I can finally have a shitty summer!

I went to a psychic last week. Fortune Teller I mean. She said that the "cousins" family that is back home will be coming to Canada very soon. Not this month, but sometime this year. Thank gooooooddddddddddddd I need her to move out NOW. ASAP! I was beginning to like her again then she just got up and pissed all over me......again. Soooo now I'm pretty fucking pissed. Especially last night. She knocked on my door then walked right in. But I was right behind the door holding onto the knob and pushing with all my might to keep her from entering but her fobby fucking arms just pushed right in. FUCK YOU CUNT! WE'RE NOT FRIENDS ANYMORE BITCH! FUCK YOU FOR ENTERING MY ROOM WITHOUT MY PERMISSION!! FUCK! YOU KNOCK UNTIL YOU GET A MOTHER FUCKING ANSWER! AND IF YOU DONT, DONT FUCKING WALTZ IN BITCH CUNT FUCKER!

Some chinese dude kept creeping on me on the bus when we went to go see the fortune teller. I kept stepping away and he somehow got closer and kept touching me with his hair. It's not the bus driver's fault for being a dumbfuck driver, it's his fucking fault for being a lonely fucking pedophile. His hair (which by the way needed some serious treatment) was fucking GROSSSSSS. I mean it had a million white hairs sticking out. I notice this in a lot of young chinese lads. Is it a fad to have white hairs just sticking out like crazy outta da back-a yo head? Seriously!!!!

I'm re-reading The Perks of Being a Wallflower because it's amazing and it brings tears to my eyes.

I'm going to be excersising again. I need to get back in shape! Immediately.

I wish I could disappear in my books. Become the characters and live among them because then everything wouldn't be so dull. Everything would be an adventure. And this is why I think I should become a writer when I grow up. I'll go live in those art community buildings where I pay my rent whenever the fuck I want to, however the fuck I want to with as much or less money as I want to while I create art. Then I wouldn't starve. Well I probably would, but I'd have a house....right? That's the life.

I wrote this conjoining story to Carrie (and Carrie 2). I'll write it down sometime. I'll write it the exact way I wrote it on paper. I wrote it when I was like 13. It came up to 24 pages. It took me about a week to write. Or maybe I was 12. I don't remember.

I hate how I have these important things in my head that I need to get down then I suddenly forget everything. Goddamn.

I saw Superbad for the first time since its release in theatres. It's on TMN right now. I've watched it like 3 times. It's fucking funny. I wish my highschool was like that. Fuck winter!

I can't wait for college. Or university. God knows. But I really need to leave my house and do something with my life. I wanna go to a dorm, but they're expensive so my mom says that I should just go to universities that are close by so I can just take the bus to school and shit. Why????????????????????? I hate being in my own home, I'm sick of it. I like being somewhere else. I like being in other people's homes, in hotels, in dorms.

God I can't wait. No, I can. No, I can't. No, I can. No, I can't. I can't.

I went shopping with a friend last week. It was fun to shop with her except she pissed me off SOOOOOOOOOO much when we got to Shopper's Drug Mart and we looked in the facial area. She asked me whether she should get the anti-aging cream or the skin tightening cream. Hmm let's see. You're 16-years-old, your skin feels like satin, your face looks like an angel and you're asking me which anti-wrinkle/aging cream you should get. Are you fucking stupid? Anti-aging and skin tightening creams basically tighten your skin, but guess what? The more you tighten your skin the more wrinkles you get. And because you're young and you're going to use that kind of cream on your face you're more likely to get MORE wrinkles at an early age. Yepp yepp. Then she asked what kind of face wash should she get instead of the anti-wrinkle shit (because she didn't listen to what I just said she just saw how pricey it was). She said she needed a wash that would help keep the oil from her face. . . . . . .if you saw her face you wouldn't even see shit on her face. Not a single hair. I told her that it's natural to have oil on your face. She started yelling at me in the fucking aisle and everyone looked at us. I tell her that everyone has a little bit of oil on their face, it's just a natural moisturizer. I said that if you were to have virtually no oil on your face, your skin would be peeling. Basically people who have really dry skin means that they are over producing oil or their skin is peeling. She ended up buying a NORMAL face wash. Ughhh, pissed me off so much. People are so young and they're already worrying about wrinkles that they need to get botox and anti-wrinkle shit? I watched Vanity Insanity and they interviewed this 80-year-old woman who was like "Don't get surgery during your youth, because in your youth that is when you are most beautiful; it's when you glow the most. Getting surgery in your youth is stupid. You ruin your beauty. Get surgery when you're passed 60" with a laugh.

I used to cut myself like crazy when I was younger. I did it because of the thrill. I miss it every now and then like I miss smoking. Such bad, deadly habits. So instead I just cut patterns into myself. I have Xs on my ankles.

I got high with my cousin 2 nights ago. She's an elementary school teacher. Hahaha fucking funny. Makes me think what my elementary school teachers did behind closed doors. Maybe they were really kinky people. God knows, but I'd like to know that they did obscene things because during school hours they were so normal and it was sad to look at. No one's that normal, unless you're a fundamentalist Christian.

Anyway I got so fucking high that the next day I was still high. Like that time I smoked a whole joint for myself, THANKS ANGELA! IT WAS A BLAST, I got high the next day in school. It wasn't as intense though. There was something wrong. The next day in school I was high, but so very slightly. But when I smoked up with my cousin I was very high til the next day. As in everything would disappear for a bit then come back. But I was still very aware of where I was. But the keyboard just melted.

I miss my sister, I miss my grandma, and I miss my uncle.

I Know You Are Lying

Fri, 13 Jun 2008 02:58:09 GMT

So tomorrow is when I must hand in my tech review for 2 shows. Ugh. This sucks balls. Now the shitty part is that I'm giving in my Dresden Dolls ticket and I don't want to give it away but I must for my tech review.

Today was shitty, but whatever because I got my Holga with me! Hooray! It's awesome. I can't wait for them to get developed. If only I remembered how to develop film. Something like putting the film in a canister, pour some chemicals and shake for a minute. Take film out, place on projector and project the image in any size you want on paper (it's a specific kind of paper though that can withstand harsh chemicals and water). Dip it in some chemicals (and you dip it in vinegar). Turn paper over so that the image can transfer to the other side, dip in some more chemicals, rinse with water and hang to dry.

I was improvising on my piano as usual and I came up with this nice tune. I sang whatever came to my head and I realized that this song would be about my father.

I volunteered at Buchanan Public Elementary School today. I originally was going to face paint with Esther but when I got there some stupid psycho controlling bitch was like "You're going to be in charge of the fishing game!" Uhhhmmm...cool? She was such a nazi to these little kids. They were fishing for these bathtub non-slip grips (those matts that suck onto the bathtub so you don't fall) designed as sea creatures. The fishing poles were bamboo sticks with invisible string tied to them along with coloured paper clips tied at the end. How the fuck are 6-year-olds supposed to catch those? Anyway she made lines for the little kids and big kids. Some 4-year-old went infront of the blue line and she goes all haywire on the kid's ass. She was all like "RAWRR!!!! NO!!!!! You're supposed to go behind the blue line!!! That's wrong!!" I was very shocked to have witnessed that nazi action.

I ended up getting 6 hours for my volunteer hours.

I'm going to summer school and I am not psyched. But hopefully maybe I'll see someone from school there and we'll be best friends and we can jump around and skip in a magickal rainforest filled with faery's and gnomes.

Nadia and I have been bullying Spencer a lot lately. Not bullying like "Hahaha, Spencer is gayyy, Spencer is gayyyy." But we break him down to the core. Gillian's jaw just hits the floor for everything we say about him. Nadia says things that could make someone slit their wrists, I just say things and don't realize he's right behind me. This one joke was hilarious though. So Sabrina, Nadia and I were talking and started talking too loud so Spencer and his really tall girlfriend had to leave to go somewhere else. As soon as they left Nadia goes "Wow, Spencer is outrageously gay! I mean he is in the closet big time! His girlfriend asked him where the camera was and he says *flamboyant voice here* It's in my baaagg!" Honest to god I died right on the spot. I died for like 8 minutes and came back to life. I laughed so fucking hard that they turned back to look at me. I laughed so fucking hard that I coughed until I almost threw up. But most of the time Nadia and I are just making jokes and Spencer happens to walk by as we start laughing so he thinks we're saying stuff about him. Which we're not because we have other people to talk about. Geeez.

So last night Allison messages me on MSN and goes "yo, stop talking shit about spencer, he's not gay" then she signed out. I mean honestly, how old are you? Almost 17 and you're going to call me out then sign out? If you ain't got shit to back yoself up, then don't mudda fukken piss me off. Cuz bitch, Imma (and I can) verbally bitch slap yo mudda fukken white ass to submission. Queen, please! Never ever piss off a gay man. No matter how queer he is, don't piss him off unless you are gay yourself then do as you will.

So whatever. My back is in constant pain, my piano exam is next week, I really don't care that much. I know I'll pass, I'll just get a shitty mark on my scales and technicaly stuff. Then after my exam I go to Scarborough Town Centre to meet up with mah boyfriend, we're going to get massages together. Then we go out later that night, then we go back to his house and fuck like 2 wild animals.

Oh shit, I still have to write my tech review. Oh well. I'll just wake up tomorrow morning and do it. Not like it's hard.

Exactly How Does One Suck a Fuck?

Mon, 26 May 2008 02:05:44 GMT

I really have to pee, I had like 2 glasses of water and 2 bowls of Kellog's cereal. I decided to go watch Mark Emery on YouTube and the shit they're going through is sad. Stupid 17-year-old fucktard in Chicago, Friendly Stranger, fucking USA. Ughmerica!

I went out today and bought 3 things from Urban - those coloured jeans (they were on sale for $39.99 except they came in sizes 32 and 36.), a $9.99 plaid shirt, and a $9.99 sweater. But it's those 100% cotton flimsy sweaters. The total cost came up to: $72.07. Then I went to pages and bought 2 books. Unfortunately A Wolf at the Table was $27 and I didn't have enough money to pay for that. So I bought: Talking and After Dark instead and used cash along with debit. The funny thing is that I don't even know my own pin number. I just know it by the pattern.

My computer really pisses me off. It's been pissing me off lately though, usually it pisses me off once in awhile. But for the past 2 days it made me wanna kill the computer. Today I went on Facebook and looked up my notifications. It took 2 minutes for the page to load, but instead it redirected me to home, then I openened MSN and yahoo messenger pops up, I try to open MSN again but it fails on me and exits. So I finally open MSN, then I try to get to my notifications. I go to write on Melissa's wall and after I finish a big ass paragraph Facebook signs me out. Grrr.

As I was walking down the streets on Queen I kept hearing someone call my name. I looked over and it was Caitlin and Natasha! Hooray! I told them how badly I felt for spending 100+ today, and they was like "Yeah...we spent 700." They were buying gifts for the teachers.

So tomorrow I have school and I'm happy because I don't have to come to class wearing proper clothing. I can wear my jeans and god-knows-what. Then we get ready for exams. Ew. I hate acting. But I love the singing part. But fuck, my piano exam is coming up soon!

I know what I want to do when I grow up.....well not really, and no one really knows what they want to do when they grow up. But I changed my mind on the Opera career. I've decided to do something with music obviously, but I'm thinking of either songwriter for artists, or commercial jingles or whatever. OR something in the music industry. Like producing music, you know?

I really want to buy Turbo Jam. Hip Hop Abs works like a miracle as I have 2 friends who use it. They've told me that you sweat like crazy, but the great part is that you don't even feel like you're working out or anything. Speaking of excersising videos. My sister does an hour of cardio, and tae bo. Yeah, she's actually survived those Tae Bo sessions. They're crazy though, the shit it gets you to do. Once or twice a week she does a half hour of toning. Explains why she's so thin and fragile. And on top of that she's a smoker and a drinker. So loss of appetite + constant puking + excersise = eXtreme weight loss.

I really want to write a song. A song about my friends. But it's not going to be happy. By happy I don't mean like "I looooove my friends, yeah, I love my friends, yeah!" No. It'll probably be a song about them, what I see and feel from them. It's going to be like a dissection. But it's not like I'm going to tell them off. Or maybe I won't write one about my friends, maybe I'll write one about Andrew Kekewich. Hehehehehe.

During the bows last night, I squeezed Adin's hand. He's got a really good grip I must say. During the rehearsal he held on me like there was no tomorrow. But as soon as he let go it's like it was never there before. But I held on, I tried to.

The greatest fucking sessions is when your bowels are empty so when you fuck it's only the lube and the placenta stuff in your anus. I love those sessions. They're great! But I hate my dildo. It's really really hard, so when I get it up in there it takes a lot of muscle. The head if just so big and hard. Next time I go out and buy a dildo or whatever, I'm going to get the soft, fleshy ones. And I wanna try out that G-Spot for dudes. I've heard a lot of reviews on it, how great it is. Like you get an instant orgasm without even touching yourself. Sounds too good to be true. Although it's 80 bucks. So I dunno if I really wanna waste my money when I could probably be creative and make my own. I try so hard to find it. With my fingers, the dildo. Nothing. NOTHING!!!!! I just feel like I really have to pee. Is that what it's supposed to feel like or what? I could probably just make my own. I think I'll make my own. Or find a cheap one and shave off the remaining plastic that could cut me. Hmmm....Umbrella handles that are weirdly shaped. I dunno, but I hope to get the orgasm everyone's been talking about.

I'm really really loving Boston by The Dresden Dolls reminds me so much of Drew, except he lived in New Hampshire.

L'achaim

Sun, 25 May 2008 04:30:27 GMT

Tonight was the last night of the show. I was going to York's house for the afterparty to smoke up with some friends but because he lives in Kingston I decided not to. And besides they'd probably play gangster rap and there'd be random people there having sex. But thankfully next week we can come to M.T. in whatever we feel like wearing. Except we'd start our exams and shit. So we'd be learning our vocal pieces and the god awful acting stuff.....OOOOOOOOH I have a juicy rumour! In 'To Life' where Lazar Wolfe asks Tevye to marry his daughter they pour each other shots of iced tea - it's supposed to look like rum - and when the number ends and they give the props back to the stage crew in charge of props. This night the glasses were still full, usually they come back empty. Why were they still full? Because apparently 2 of the bodyguards pissed in them....now I do have a fetish for that kind of stuff, but not drinking. If I were in their position I would've puked on stage....Ewwwwww. And Shamier landed on his ass during the dance in 'To Life' because as he was doing a back-flip without hands, his leg slipped out and he wobbled. But he did it in character so it just looked like he was drunk.

Uhm, I completely forgot what I was going to write. I should say though, last week I did a little stalking on the internet. I typed in 'Andrew Kekewich' in the Google search engine and looked up the pictures. What surprised me was there were pictures of him. So I looked on the web, turns out he's in this band called 'The Wooden Sky' and they're hella fucking good. So this week I asked him about his band. I said how I didn't know anyone who could get me the cd off the internet and as I said this his face lit up and it was SOOOOOOOOOOO cute. He interrupted me - rudely - that sonuvabitch! - and asked me if I wanted for him to give me a cd. I said sure, but I would have to get the money first. So that's what I'm going to do.

I got my new glasses! Yay!!! I love them so much! They're beautifully awesome.

I am honestly forgetting what to say, I don't have anything else too say really. I'm too tired actually and I came on here to write a whole life story but now I just wanna collapse and sleep.

Where May I Dump My Load?

Fri, 23 May 2008 04:26:09 GMT

Funny how some men say that, that's really grodey and piggy.

So for the first 2 shows we put on, it was a disaster. Actors forgetting their cues and lines, WOW. That pretty much sucks. And I didn't get my solo in the matinée, whatevz. But Riley's in the show and we talk. Speaking of the show. When we do our bows I am right beside Adin and we hold hands to take bows. On the first night, he grabbed my hand but realized that we had to point to the spot people then the sound booth, then band, then fiddlers then hold hands and take bows. So when we finally got to take each others hands we held hands, bowed, then everyone let go except him. At that exact moment he squeezed my hand. During the matinée he did the same mistake and held my hand. Nothing exciting happened. Just an hour or 2 ago, I squeezed his hand and he squeezed mine back. *sigh* I'm still in love with him.

Caroline's computer crashed that's why she wasn't able to respond. She told me that she went to the concert anyway hoping she'd find me there. But because the Opera House is at Queen Street East where all the crazy crackhead hobos hangout I decided not to go by myself. Damn! I should've went! FUCK!

I am going to see Matt and Kim at the Kool Haus on August the 5th, then Feist at the ACC, but tickets are too damn expensive, for that I am not buying anyone tickets at all. They're about 33-35 dollars each, plus tax and secret charge of course.

Turns out that Ryan is real. Ryan is the cute guy who randomly added me on msn about a month and a half ago. He apparently used to go to Wex, he's a redhead but dyed the hair brown. I found out from Riley. Thank Jesus he's real, because now I can fantasize without the thought that he's a straight playa hate-uh.

My mother bought these Easter related M&Ms. They are so effing good. I eat it with almost everything. Except for food. Definately not that, and buy food I mean lunch, breakfast, dinner...that stuff.

My call time tomorrow is at 5 o'clock. That means I miss Arthur because I'll be leaving at like 4:30 to get there on time. UGHHHHHHH. WHY JESUS?! WHY!!?!?

On the day of the opening I had the shittiest day. I forgot how the morning went but the afternoon was so fucked up. I looked out my window and it was raining but it wasn't hard. Luckily I had an umbrella in my bag. I leave the house and take the elevator down. When I look outside from the lobby the rain was pouring even harder. I take out the umbrella but guess what? It's a damn piece of shit umbrella is what it was. I opened it but the flaps wouldn't extend. I tried folding it over but it stretched and looked like it was about to break. So I spent about 15 minutes trying to open it properly. But it wouldn't give in and I got pretty fucking pissed. Instead of screaming like a psychotic fucker that I am I took the umbrella and smashed it against the ground; then dragged it with me down the street to the bus stop. I placed it in the garbage can. I was very very pissed by this time and I took my anger out on a glass window by spitting viciously at it. But strangely an elderly man came along and talked to me about the weather. We talked for about a minute or so. He asked me where I originally was from. I told him that my parents were from the Philippines and I was born here. He smiled and said "I hope everything goes well with you, have a good day." That changed my mood, I swear he was an angel sent from the galaxies of space to cheer me up. Thank-you God, the real God.

I don't know what else to write so I think I'll stop here. I gotta go and wash the dishes and clean my ears. Buh byezz.

That Stupid Mother Fucker

Mon, 19 May 2008 03:19:25 GMT

The "cousin" told my other cousin about my YouTube video. WHAT THE FUCK!?! Why? Why? .... Why am I so mad for? I don't know why. Or because she's getting revenge on me. That stupid bitch! How dare she. There's a reason why I don't want family watching those videos. Mostly because they will see another side of me they've never seen. Ughhhhhhhhhh.............................................. This is so embarassing.

Caroline hasn't come online!

O del mio dolce ardor

Sun, 18 May 2008 00:05:09 GMT

I like this song more than Pieta Signore.

Anyway I was supposed to go see Spiral Beach to day but: yesterday I told Caroline to meet me at Vic Park station at 5:30 so we could get to the Oprah house by 6. She never returned my message, so I assumed she was too busy to reply but she got it. Got at the station at 5:30 and waited 45 minutes. During that I called Emmanuel 3 times, the first 2 times he wouldn't answer, the 3rd time the phone ate my change because Emmanuel turned off his phone and it went straight to the answering machine. I called up my mom to tell her what happened and asked whether I should go alone or not. I really didn't want to go on my own because the Oprah House is on the East Side of Queen Street where all the crazy hobos live. But of course if you go down more towards Wineva it becomes a really nice place. So now Caroline owes me 16.25 dollars anyway just because I wasted my fucking money when she didn't even show up. What the fuck? I am so fucking pissed.

Lesson learned: NEVER TRUST ANYONE.

I've been spending a lot of my free writing time on Facebook. I've been to lazy to come on here and write. Anyway I'm writing a new song. It's going to be epic. As does my other songs that I write. I'm still not quite sure what it'll be about. I sort of have an idea.

So I have OLP - Ordinal Linguistic Personification. It's a form of synesthesia, basically people who have it see their numbers not just as digits but as people with personalities. I just thought everyone saw their numbers like that. I thought creative people put aura's around objects to make life more interesting. But as always I was wrong. Nobody I know does that. Well except for Natasha, but that's a different story.

K, I'm gonna go. I fucking hate Caroline right now. Fuck her.

I Wanna Fuck A Farm Boy

Mon, 12 May 2008 23:31:16 GMT

Because you get this: http://www.pornotube.com/channels.php?channelId=53&m=1603775 andddd that's kind thick. Maybe not big, but pretty thick. And veiny. Mmmm. And before I forget, check out this hottie: http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&videoid=32871545 He's Amazing! Just being able to do that. Wow!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am jealous as fuck! I'm listening to it as I write this blog.

So there's some stuff I forgot to tell you about Friday. I ran into Latiqua, well Latiqua ran into me. And we talked and it was spectacular. On Saturday's rehearsal I burped and I guess I blew it out because Katie started sniffing the air and asked if I smelled food. Ahahahahahahaha! Fuck, now I'm beginning to forget shit.

Kay so today I learned from Ann that she and Bob wanted me to get the solo but Honey didn't want me in it because I'm always getting into shit with her. So unless my attitude changes they'll give it to Graeme who says he doesn't want it. Buttt I'm not depressed anymore because my Mood Swings aren't as "WHOA" when I'm happy.

Arielle is such a fat cunt. Today I asked her if I could get my books back, Wicked and She Comes Undone. She goes "Sean, the anthem is on, stop talking." Soooo after the anthem then after the announcements I ask her again and she be like "Stop talking, I don't like you! Go back in the aud and stop talking, I don't want to hear you right now." I swear to god I was so close to pushing her off the stool then kicking her in the face and jumping on her. But I'd get in deep shit if I did that. So if she ever does it again I can just slap her. I'll probably get a detention but so what? It's fucking highschool. But the fire in my belly rages on and I want to murder her with plastic utensils - that way the pain is unbearable as plastic has a hard time cutting through things.

We used to be really tight but whenever she had her emo moments I just wanted to push her down the stairs. She would complain endlessly about her life and how much she hated it. Why am I putting this in past tense? She STILL does it. She'd compare her problems to your problems just so you'd know that her problems were far greater than yours. But when you'd compare her so-called troubled life to a dying child in Africa she'd say "I am at my lowest, those children in Africa are at their lowest. But because I've never experienced their pain you can't say that I can't complain because their pain is lower than mine." Ok hypocrite. I just can't wait til the day she dies. The world would be a happier place.

Sooo you should totally watch this video: http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&VideoID=16018770 and I'm finding more, k? This man is simply amazing. No words can explain. He's cute too. Hehehehehe.

Boxes of tangerines....so cheap and JOOOOOOOOOOOseey.

I think I will have some cereal. The shitty thing is that when I don't wear my glasses I get really really dizzy when I put my glasses back on. Then I experience vertigo like I am now. I feel like I'm falling.

I want to eat a fajita but I ate so much today, I feel fat. Yes, a boy with drama. !!! OH MAN, I saw Julian Cuacos today! He's So cute. I love him, he only talked to me once. And we shook hands once because that was the time me and Christina Carducci used to talk. Then she became this big pothead and I didn't like her anymore because she came to school high sometimes. And I don't like people who are like that because you never experience them as a real person; not as a whole. You experience their drug induced self. But it's funny sometimes because the shit they say is jacked up.

I'm eating a salad. Not cereal. Because I forgot that we have no more soya milk. But on Wednesday Esther and I might go out to the FAIR!!!!

Oh Miley

Sun, 11 May 2008 02:39:49 GMT

...or whatever your name is, your teeth are really ugly. Fix yo damn self up, gurl.

Kay, so I still have the role of the Priest because during 'Tradition' they didn't say anything. But they don't like my costume. It's too modern. Oh sigh. If only the costume room had a function besides a place where ancient costumes are never used; it pisses me off that the costumes in the costume room are never used. Ever. What the fuck is the point of that anyway?

I'm watching 'Rad Girls' it's fucking AWESOME. Way better than Jackass. Ok, they're about the same, I'll admit. I'm watching a really good episode, too! The one where (I think this is her name) Rona asks people on the street to fart in their mouths. Hahahahaha Fucking Awesome, Dude!!

I had a Saturday rehearsal today, but it's all good. Tomorrow is Mother's Day and I don't mind because I love Sundays now. And I get to see my sister tomorrow. It'll be a big happy family again. It won't be mom, me, and "cousin" it'll be like the olde skewl daiz. Mom, sister, me. YEAH!

So I'm writing a new song. Finally. It's about the idea of "Live fast; die young" slogan. Except the ending won't be about dying at all. It's kind of basically saying all the fun things in life are when you're young because when you're older everything has a limit. So the first verse is (well what I have so far): "You're still young come over go get shit faced. We'll smoke some crack and go get high. We'll call the cops and get arrested. You're still young and hopeless, it's just you against the world but you don't care. You're so goddamn young, thank-you, Regina." Yeah, I mention her in my song. BRAP!

So now on 'Rad Girls' they're doing the Piss Contest where every girl pisses in a bucket while they're in a moving van soooooo they gotta piss in the buckets and whoever has the most piss or vomit or shit left over in their bucket wins! Because you see they're in the moving van and the buckets move. It's like watching 2girls1cup all over again! Oh and dude! I was watching this thing on National Geographic and it was a documentary about people's beliefs and how they're considered taboos in the Western side of the world. It made me squirm. There's this festival in Thailand where people apparently get possessed by spirits and people self-harm to let the gods know that while they're possessed they can still take even more pain so that in the after-life the gods will know they are worthy of entering Heaven. Soooo they showed this one guy cutting himself as he took his sword and swung it over and slashed his back. This one guy started slashing his tongue. Oh dear god.

I'm now watching 'Mean Girls' cuz I LOOOOOOOOOVE that movie.

Yesterday I went to the mall with Nadia (the indian half filipino chick that I only talked to in the 9th grade) and Vic Fenton, Val, and Alley (not Wilson). But we went our seperate ways so I was only with Nadia then we met up with Amanda C. and Esther. It was awesome. Then we saw Nadia's cousin April. So anyway later on everyone went home and it was just Nadia and I. We ate at Taco Bell because we crave fat food. So this guy collapsed infront of some restaurant and they had to call the cops and the ambulance. I was wearing my shades so I couldn't see a single thing, everything was blurry and dark. So when we got up to leave we went near the scene to throw out our wrappers and such. Nadia just stands there and says out loud "Oh my god! That's SO sad! It's her dad!" and I looked over and saw a woman crying while a cop tried comforting her and asking questions. I also saw a body on the stretcher wrapped in pink cloth and strapped down.

I went over to Nadia's house after where I helped her put in her weave. I helped part her hair and glue in the extensions. It's basically this black stuff that dries and becomes rubber. Ouch! But whatever because it was fun. I asked Nadia's Magic 8 Ball questions about Ryan. I asked the same questions THREE times and all the answers were the EXACT same!!!!!!! OH MY GODDD!!! The questions were: Is this guy real? yes Is he gay? no Is he a homophobe? yes So he's been playing me the whole time? yes Of course they weren't Yes and No answers, they were more like "All signs point to yes" and all the other Magic 8 Ball outcomes. So now I gotsa watch out. I swear the 8 ball is real!! When I was younger I used to ask questions like "Will I become a famous singer and travel the world and make lots of money?" and the answer was always yes. So when I asked it if I were to become famous off of YouTube it said yes. I asked again if I'd become famous and make lots of money. It said yes. Muahahahaha. Vanity Insanity.

I also had a talk with my mom about my ability to see colours when listening to music and seeing people's auras. I said how when I was a kid I saw it too and I thought everyone saw it so it slipped my mind until several years later I read something and it triggered that memory and I think "Oh! I can see that too!" So basically what I'm saying is that when I read something that deals with strange phenomenon and I find it interesting I don't convince myself that I have it. It just reminds me that I have that too. You know??? Sometimes I do read something like TELEKINESIS and I go "Oh man! I wish I had that!" Except I did research and scientists and spiritualists say that everyone is born with psychic abilities but most people ignore them because people teach them that that is their imagination. So it just gets put onto the shelves. While some people stay in tune with their abilities and put it to good use.

Uhhhh I think I might get that solo I was talking about in the previous blog. When auditioning I show off to the max. For this one I did the dynamics where I start off pp - pianissimo (that's probably wrong, no wait. p is piano, pp is pianissimo, I was right) with lots of diction where I nearly spit out the words, then get louder.

Because Angela is usually in the film room editing stuff and Emmanuel is in band rehearsal I've decided to eat lunch with Tasia. She's cool. Her and the autistic kid that I met. She's cool too.

WATCH THIS: http://ca.youtube.com/watch?v=ALNmVkHN8BA

ITS AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!

Dash After Dash

Thu, 08 May 2008 23:08:43 GMT

I talked to a girl today, I don't know her name, but I know she has Asperger's Syndrome. She was very interesting. I'm eating a salad right now and it's heaven - literally. It's SO goddamn good. It's that freshly picked spinach, organic stuff in those large plastic bins.

I tried out for a solo today, I didn't exactly get it (yet). What they did was they split people up: girls and boys. There are 2 solos for 2 girls in the song, and 2 solos for 2 boys. So basically Girl 1 sings Solo 1, Girl 2 sings Solo 2 etc. But instead they split us up and had the girls sing both solos, the guys sing both solos individually first of course. They cut some people from the number. I made the cut. Hooray! So me and 3 other guys are singing solo 4. It's the longest solo.

Yesterday I had a doctor's appointment and as I was walking in the rain with my huge-ass umbrella I saw 2 sk8r bois walking down the street. They were about 12 or 13 looking. I kept my umbrella low so I could make faces at myself. Then I raised the umbrella as they walked by as I was making a gnarly face. They both looked at me like I was some deranged asian man seeking revenge for whoever stole his chopsticks! I didn't realize it until AFTER. Then I laughed out loud. As I kept walking I saw my friend: Steph Cohen at the busstop. She's awesome. She's Jamaican and Jewish. My double J, my black Jew.

I can't tell the difference between left and right sometimes. They're very confusing.

So I scratched my nose earlier and I picked a boogar, so I wiped it off, then got some hand sanitizer but then I got too much and tried putting it back into the bottle (mind you I put the blob of alcohol in my palm and not the boogary finger) but it fell off the rim and landed on my shirt. I tried to scoop it with my finger but the shirt just absorbed it all. I got mad and my mom starts yelling at me! "See!?!?!?! See this crap that you have to get mad at!?!?! You're making it all up in your head!!!! So you have an excuse to be sick and you're not sick!!!" "Okkkk.....???? I'm just mad because I got some alcohol on my shirt, I'm not complaining that I have extreme OCD and a dash of autism." "Yah, but you're getting mad over a small thing!" "Oh, but spilling a little drop of water on the table isn't a small thing? Because whenever I spill just a sprinkle of water on the table it's all of a sudden The End of the World. Calm down, psychopath." Then she starts swearing in Filipino. Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhh why must you piss me off!?!?!?!!!?!!?!?!??!??!?!?!?!?!?!?

So I thought that Spiral Beach was this Saturday but it's not. It's next Saturday meaning I can attend my Saturday rehearsal this week because it's our last Saturday rehearsal. Speaking of Music Theatre, they are in extreme dept. They complain that they're in debt and harass possibly everyone of us to get as many people as we can to go see the show. Yet they spend thousands of dollars on rentals, professional dancers, actors, singers to help us look better. What? They're not professional enough themselves? These teachers went off to university to study this shit. They've starred in numerous musicals and plays and had reviews in the newspaper. Why!?!?! They (meaning the staff of M.T.) are always telling us Seniors to set an example for the Juniors. We have to stop coming into rehearsals wearing jeans, says a teacher wearing ripped jeans. That we need to stop wearing jewelry, says the teacher with a gazillion rings and earrings. We need to stop wearing open shirts that show off our chsts, classy; not trashy says the teacher wearing a V-neck. We need to stop wearing running shoes says one that's a pair of Converse. Basically the teachers are telling us that the auditorium is a scared place and we - the students - are sabotaging it. They say that we don't deserve to be in this place when we have hair in our face, jeans, running shoes, jewellry, cellphones or any other electronic device. Yet here they are wearing V-necks that show their chest, ripped jeans and running shoes, sometimes boots, checking their cellphone for the time, with crazy hair in their eyes. I get they're teachers, but if they want us, the Seniors, to set an example for the Juniors then I suggest they set an example for us. We're still kids at heart, we have fun. They tell us that we're disgracing and sabotaging this "sacred" place yet they're coming in fitting in with us. Fuck. I hate teachers and their We Are Superior Individuals Bow Down Before Us attitude.

I Just Want Your Kiss

Thu, 08 May 2008 01:04:06 GMT

Today is the "cousin"'s birthday and because I'm listening to music in the living room she thinks she can so lie down on MY bed and watch t.v.? Excuse me? This isn't even your fucking house, bitch! Christ! Last night she ate some nasty garlic flavoured corn and its fumes filled my room. I asked her what she ate in my room and she goes "Aye, I ate some cornchips!" "K, cuz it smells like shit!" "WHU!?!?! BUT THEY'RE ONLY CORNCHIPS!" "Ok....?? It still smells like crap." Yah, because cornchips are supposed to make the world a better place. Ugh, stupid bitch. Thank the Devil she's moving out soon.....I hope. I cannot stand her. I hate how she has to repeat my name twice in a sentence: "Sean, are you still watching t.v., Sean?" "No, I'm not watching t.v., no, I'm not, no."

Yesterday I called my mom a bitch because she was being a bitch.

I asked the doctor why I could see an explosion of colours when I got lightheaded, He said that it was because I had low blood pressure. Soooo I've been hallucinating this whole time!? All this time (since I was 3 or 4) I've been hallucinating!?!? Oh my godd!!! That's not good.

So apparently I lost the part of the Priest. I think I know who's responsible. But that's fine, I don't like you either.

When I got home today I've been getting non-stop long-distance calls. They're fucking annoying. If no one picks up the first 6 million times, don't expect an answer in 1.3 seconds after hanging up. Fuckkkkkkkk.

There are about a million "straight" guys at my school. I can point out a few, but 2 really interest me. It's a bit strange though. Spencer.........well there was a rumour that went around that Spencer came out of the closet, so I wouldn't be surprised if I saw him making out with a guy. Well I would because I'd want that guy to be me. Or at least not tradgic-looking. Another is Dan. WoW WoW WoW WoW WoW WoW WoW........Please don't look at me like that in the halls, near my locker, when I walk by you, in the bathroom, when I'm talking to someone. It's really creepy. Even I'm creeped out. I mean I don't mind creepy people. But when an ordinary person does something odd - repeatedly - then it's strange. He shaves his legs. I know he's an athlete and all, but wow. What straight guy does that - that isn't in the Olympics? I will never understand, but you straight men fascinate me with your homoinspired behaviour.

I made a video today of me singing to Kate Nash's Foundations and at the end I sing Umbrella by Rihanna. That's possibly the only song I like be her. Her other songs get really annoying because her voice is always in the same in everything.

I completely forgot what else I was going to say so I'll say some other random shit that happened to me today. It rained like a mother. Well not really but my jeans got wet. Funny how I complain about the smallest things. I also don't like it when the orthodontise or dentist make convorsation with me when they have tools in my mouth. When I try to talk they'll be like "Ok, can you please keep your mouth open?" How the fuck am I supposed to fucking answer you and keep my mouth open? I'm not a fucking vantriloquist for Kriste's sake. If I was, hell I'd fucking talk to you like there was no tomorrow, but guess what? I'm not.

So me and Nadia are going shopping on Friday at the Eaton's centre. Maybe hopefully I can go get a fake i.d. from that store and go haywire on stuff. Likkkkkeeee buying porn and stuff. But their i.d.'s look SO fake. Normally people pull out a driver's liscence. These liscences look so damn fake. Fake as in you have some Indian kids face on a plastic card that looks like something made in China. It just doesn't fit. But apparently they work REALLY REALLY well. Like REALLY. My friends who have them get into clubs, buy cigs, beer. Anything on a higher level than porn. You see porn is at level 2, and buying alcohol, cigs, or going into clubs are at level 5. Yes, it only has 5 levels.

There's this girl called Sidney and all this time I've been calling her Cindy. She looks a lot like Care Failure of Die Mannequin. I should show her a picture. Also, Nick Pattison's sister is Katie Pattison. That pretty gurl who dated Zack and always wore really bright flashy clothes.

I'm currently listening to Sufjan Steven's Illinoise. God I love that hot Christian man. On top of that, Jackson messaged me on facebook. He be like "Who is this?" and I be like "Dude, can you see my display picture?" Fuck, why are you so dumb for? Just kidding. So he doesn't have eyebrows, but he's still cute. I used to make fun of him for all the wrong reasons.

Zombie Kidd

Tue, 06 May 2008 00:06:42 GMT

On Saturday, Emmanuel went to Downtown with Jen Rogers and Vic Fenton. It was the Marijuana March and guess who's pipe they all smoked from? Henry Fisher's. UGHHHHHHHHHH I should've goneeeee!!! Except it was raining and that was kinda shitty. So thankfully I didn't go.

Uhmmm tomorrow I'm going to buy the tickets for the concert!! Can't wait!! I hope there's still tickets. If not we'll go buy tickets for Spiral Beach.

Synesthesia and More!

Thu, 01 May 2008 23:45:48 GMT

It's when all 5 senses are intertwined with each other. So basically a person with synesthesia will taste the colour blue if he eats ice cream. People are different so other people with syn will experience different stuff. I haven't been diagnosed, but when I was a kid I could taste the colour brown, I still can. This strange coppery taste fills my mouth and for some strange reason the word "Brown" always comes in mind. Anyway I never really thought anything of it, just that it was another eccentricity. When I grew older I read stuff on autism, how some autistic children have this, blah blah blah and I thought "Hey!! I feel/see/taste/smell that too!!" But I've never been diagnosed with anything so I can't really say I have anything. I can also see colours and shapes when I listen to music. I don't see them as if I were high on crack, I see it in my head. Certain words, not every single world in the dictionary, has a certain shape and/or colour. Example given: the word "Year" looks like an orange oval with Vs attached to the centre. When I hear or say "E" I picture a strange circular object with black and blue mashing into each other, almost like a wave. It looks like a black and blue marble, the way the colour inside the glass is mixed in together. It feels like a rich, sweet, dark colour. It's exciting, and annoying sometimes. Annoying because when I'm trying to listen to someone or something a shape or colour will be stuck in my head and I will examine it and get lost in my thoughts. I mentally escape life for a bit.

My cousin, who used to work autistic kids, said that I might have a form of autism and urged my mom to have me tested. First it was a joke, then it actually became serious. If I could spend a whole day examining my every move, which I don't do already, I would most likely agree with her. I don't make direct eye contact with people. I mean sure I can make eye contact, I just prefer not to. I feel uncomfortable. I only do it with people I really really really know. Like my mom, or sister or someone of family. But unless it's someone I rarely see, then it's hard for me to make eye contact with them. It's not that I hate a person, I just have a strange creepy feeling. I feel like I can see right through the person and see that person. It's freaking depressing, yo.

As assholey as this may sound, I have little to no feelings, compassion or emotion to people. I do feel emotion, I do feel compassion for others, but I don't know how to exactly show it without feeling phony. I've never cried at a funeral, although I try desperately to because I know at the end everyone will be asking me why I didn't cry. Do I hate the person that died? No, it's just I...I can't really explain it. But I most definately don't hate that person.

I'm very OCD with things. So washing of the hands everytime I make contact with foreign objects, rubbing my fingernails to create peace with myself, counting to 4, keeping notice of blinking, is very habitual and is used in my everyday life. I know that when I talk to someone I can be very very loud (because I've been told to not yell at them and to use my "indoor voice") and in-your-face, very obscene, and scary. But when I see someone else like that it's very overwhelming. It pisses me off that the "cousin" takes out the garbage and touches the goddamn locks and doorknob with her crusty, disease-infested fingers and walks away like it's nothing. Now she uses a tissue so that she isn't touching the doorknob, but FUCK, she's still touching the fucking locks and the fucking doorknob! WHAT THE FUCK IS THE POINT OF THE FUCKING TISSUE WHEN YOU'RE STILL GOING TO USE YOUR FUCKING DIRTY HANDS FOR!?!?!? WHAT THE FUCK!? USE YOUR FUCKING HEAD YOU GODDAMN ASSHOLE! shit!

I've always had these feelings for germs and thoughts in my head since I could remember. I was always thinking too much when I was a kid. I was always overlooking things, I didn't understand jokes, I still don't even if they're very obvious. Some jokes are funny because I can relate to them. But jokes to "break the ice" are dumb, they're not funny, they don't make me feel easy, they just make me wanna shoot you. It's because when I hear a joke I know it's meant to sound funny, but what I do is I analyze the joke, I break it down to a point where they're not words anymore, they are categories and emotions and mixed up puzzle pieces. Then I put the pieces together myself to try and understand the said joke. When it's all fixed I realize how stupid and pointless it was. But I laugh anyway just to try and fit in and not be rude. I'm always fake laughing around teachers when they tell jokes. My friends may laugh around me and so do I, well not for real. I give out the fake laugh then analyze said joke. Or I don't analyze the joke because I know it's going to be pointless in the end. Ugh, I wish people didn't say these jokes because they know they're not funny and they know that people will not find them funny because we're not stupid. WE'RE NOT STUPID! OK??!?!?!??!!!?!?!?

There's so much more I would love to say but I'm getting tired and bored from this. So whoever reads this, leave a comment. Tell me what you think? You know I think it's odd that when we write things we sometimes recite them in our head as we go, or this could just be me. Well anyway, as we write/type whatever whether it be a sad, mad, bitchy rant, whatever our faces never seem to express it. Well for me, no. I'm writing this shit and it may sound interesting, funny, sad, mad, crazy, but my face does not express any of the matter. It's just blank. Very much like how I feel when someone's telling me that their cat got runover by a car. My face is blank but inside my head I'm thinking "Wow, that's really dreadful....." I can never really truely express my emotion without feeling phony, unless it's genuine and I actually mean it. Like if someone lost weight and I notice this I will actually light up and compliment them. I dunno, it's weird, sometimes it doesn't happen. I don't understand it myself.

I think that we automatically feel the way we feel because when growing up we witnessed this sort of thing on television, the way our neighbours, friends, parents, family communicated with each other. So what I mean is that when something awful happens we automatically feel sad and find ways to comfort whoever. For me it's the same, I automatically say things, do things, feel things because that's what I was taught by my parents, sister, brother, cousins, family, friends, teachers growing up. But as I am "expressing" my thoughts I am thinking "Do I really feel that sorry for your car? Do I really care that you feel down the stairs? No, but I am interested in listening to you." Oh beautiful mind, why do you think the way you think?

But the more I think about it, I think I'm just socially awkward. Socially uncomfortable. Socially picky.

Boston

Thu, 01 May 2008 00:29:34 GMT

I want to go to Boston. I've wanted to go since I was 6. Hmm, maybe one day.

So the other day I was talking to my mom and we were talking and I kept responding with "aight, home dillio". She kept saying "What?" and I kept with it. Then finally she asked me what I was saying, that's why I broke it down for her "HOME DI-LEE-O. It's like home dawg, except I say Dillio" and she said "Ohhhh, I thought you were calling me home dildo.....do you know what a dildo is?" Of course, mom. I have on in my packback, I use it every now and then. But I need a bigger and better one because this one smells really brandnew. It still has that rubbery plastic, fresh-outta-da-package smell. So my ass smells weird after. I guess this means I really need to get out more.

My mother is always telling me that one day she will die and that she'd die by the time I was old enough to take care of myself financially. She's always saying how she wishes she'd just die already and I wish she wouldn't say any of that. I have 2 friends who's mums have incurable diseases, I really don't need to be thinking about any of this. I really don't need to have these thoughts circulate in my brain. I mean, sure I care about those, but how about we not mention death at all. When someone mentions death I begin a countdown in my head and keep notice of signs. I'd rather it didn't, but I can't help it. It's a compulsive thing. I think we should all live life without worries, hakuna mattata. We should just keep walking, if someone can't finish, tend to them, but move on. If we worried too much, we'd cut down on enjoyment. Love what we have now, don't think so much on the hard and sad times, because dwelling on such matter slows down the happiness. It is the true killer.

I could easily drink my life away, but that would make matters worse.

So Honey hates me now. She's been literally demoting to the back. I start out in the front then she finds an excuse to put me in the back. Even if I am working 100%. Or she'll just bitch at me for no reason. If I turn around to tell people to shut up she'll tell me to stop talking. Woman, I am doing you a favour so you don't have to lose your voice. In the number, Tradition, I come out when Tevye calls out the priest as I play the priest. I come out walking tall, with a straight back, smiling. What does she say? "Sean, don't smile like that! Chest Is MORE OPEN!!!!!" Whatever, I really don't care anymore. I hate music theatre. But I think I'll just stay in it for another year, I've already come this far. What the fuck?

This is where I hide my power, this is where I become free. This is where I take control and slowly choke your fantasies....You Are Not Alone. I've been finding a lot of comfort with Otep recently. Especially because my stupid mother likes making death threats upon herself. It's tiring, depressing and just pure fucking annoying. It's not that I'd want her to die, but honestly shut up. Stop.

My mom woke up from her snoring nap only to catch me watching a woman's butthole on the screen. Then she goes "What the hell is that? You better not be watching porn!" so I respond "Someone sent me a video, it's a girl giving birth to fishies....besides I don't watch straight porn. God!" What doesn't she get? I'm GAY, I am a HOMOSEXUAL. I am NOT attracted to women at all. So when she sees me flipping through channels and I pass by a mediocre porno of 2 women kissing why does she flip out for? Does she think I'm turned on by this crap? Is she still in denial? Well, I guess she's in denial. Sometimes she asks me "Are you sure you're gay?" No, I'm not sure. I have a history of going on GAY porn, but no, I'm pretty sure I'm straight. I'm not too sure about the gay part, I think it's just a 6-year-long phase. But there was a point where I wasn't turned on by any gay men kissing and fucking. Although that only lasted about 2 weeks. After that I got turned on. It was more like, 'Oh yah, that's hot.' but there was nothing going down there.

So I think I need to get tested for autism, or something of the like. I have noticed a lot of things about me, and some are just downright embarassing. Somethings are I usually don't make eye contact when in convorsation. I mean I can make eye contact, but I'd rather not, it's very unnerving and makes me feel weird. I feel like I'm being intimate with someone. I know I'm not being intimate with anyone, but it's this creepy feeling. So usually to escape that I look away after a few minutes. Or I look somewhere around the person's eyes. As long as it's close to the eyes, like the bridge of the nose, eyebrow, or bags. So that it creates the illusion that I'm looking at their eyes. But not really. Sometimes when I look into someone's eyes I can see right through them and have a funny feeling that something isn't right, and that's depressing. I associate shapes and patterns with things in order for me to help remember them. But when I draw them out they don't look familiar. It only makes sense in my head. Or I can see waves in my head when I listen to music. Like those machines that measure heart beats. I use that to measure the sound and crispiness of sounds and music. I don't like soundwaves because they look very ugly.

So if you wanna watch a girl give birth to fishes, download this, NOW: http://www.sendspace.com/file/y69qcv and I think that's the end of this blog.

Is It Just Me?

Tue, 29 Apr 2008 03:14:30 GMT

Or do English lads have really huge dicks?

I transcribed Dear Jenny. It's realy not that hard, phew. Wow. I'm really wrecking my ear with this music. I think I'll need the Musician's Hearing Aid. It's for musicians who play by ear, it's specially made so that you only hear mostly the music and less of the singing, so you don't have to turn up the volume to maximum levels. Yah, I feel a little deaf sometimes. That's SO bad. But guess what? My hearing is still strangely, oddly fine. I can hear things well above the average human ear. I can also identify 2 notes, which one's higher and which one's lower. I can also hear the left hand bass notes, although I don't bother sometimes and I just make-up notes.

So back to English Lads, they have REALLY huge dicks! Seriously! They're like, WHOA. That's...I'm speechless. They may have crooked teeth but, goodness, 9 inches is an average for them. Haha, I'm kidding. But uhm, wow. Max, where are you? God, I'm a slut.

I really really have to pee, and take a shower. Oh speaking of showers which reminds me of drains. I lost my earring today. This morning I was washing my ear and then it somehow loosened and dropped down the drain. Being really paranoid, I spent an hour looking around my house for big enough earrings. I checked through my mom's stuff, but they were all pearls. I finally had to ask my most loathed "cousin" for a safety-pin. She's so annoying, all of a sudden she starts talking to me like we're friends and getting super close into my face. I just wanted a fucking safety pin, bitch, not your attention! Well anyway, I disinfected, I mean sterilized, the safety pin 3 times. First with hand sanitizer, then boiling hot water with a teaspoon of seasalt, then in mouthwash. It had some rust, too. DUTTYFIED. So today I went over to Esther's mom's hair salon and chose a gold stud (they were pretty ugly looking). Then I went over to Ardene and bought some rings because I just really needed something to go in there. But! as I was screwing in one of the balls it fell out of my hand and down the drain! UGHHH. So I had to move away from the sink.

So guess who just came in like 4 minutes ago? The "cousin". She comes in and says "OH MY! What did you buy!?!?!" Then she sort of crouches behind me like a tiger and inspects it and asks "How did you even get it in there!?!?!" Calm the fuck down, psycho! Stop yelling, too. It's mother fucking 11 pm! People are TRYING to sleep!

So now I will research some more shit on earpiercings and what these so-called sleepers are. And why I shouldn't sleep with them on. And I really have to pee, being the crazy fetish guy I am, it's really hot.

Oh and by the way, sometimes when I type in what I'm currently listening to is a lie. Sometimes I'm not listening to anything, it's just playing in my head. But ti totally counts because as long as it's not repeating over the same verse a trillion times it counts as me actually listening to something. It's just not heard by other people except for the ones who can read my mind.

I just read that, and that's so confusing. You don't get it, but that's ok. You're just not as smart as I thought you were.